Still here

Still here by carolinearmijo
Still here, a photo by carolinearmijo on Flickr.

He’s still in here.

Yesterday I was feeling incredibly anxious and relieved. It was a total mixed bag of emotions. Lucy was so early and unexpected that I didn’t really have time to think about it. Other than I knew I was scared and with good reason.

So I have been taking things a little slower this week. I still have a list of things to do – namely cleaning and installing the car seat and packing for the hospital. My belly button was super sensitive and I started thinking that I was tired of having all of these lists. I just want to be finished and rest. And maybe I was crazy for having another baby.

Now that the surprise end was not in sight, what if I never feel normal again. And even once I have the baby, you still don’t have your body back for a while. Long story short, the days Lucy doesn’t go to pre-k are exhausting. I’m exhausted. Someone please confirm that not being pregnant is way better than being pregnant, because I have forgotten. Even though deep down I know it’s true. But nine months is a long time. Having a baby is no joke.

I admitted to Henry last week that I needed some tapping. Tapping is like emotional acupuncture. You say a series of statements while tapping on specific parts of your body. Somehow it clears your feelings associated with a fear – like dogs, tornadoes or airplanes. Essentially the closer I get to the birth, the more I realize that I have PTSD from Lucy’s delivery. Yet, I probably should not be this freaked out for the second.

I learned tonight that my Physical Therapist’s office offers tapping. I was ecstatic! I made the first appointment available, which is on Monday. Woo-hoo! Just knowing I have the appointment gives me a huge sense of relief. And I think we can hold on until Monday or 38 weeks. That’s even better, because I hope to skip the jaundice stage this time.

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